I was 14 when mom and dad told us Mam Thembi would be our second mother. She told, It was very shocking and tragic for me to have another female in my husband's life". Its not a series of glittering evenings drinking martinis in smoky bars. Third theme: The coping strategies used by polygamous women have included faith in religion, fate role, and compromise with the co-wives. Mrs. Ahmad was a second wife and it was a love marriage. The newlyweds moved to Soweto where they started a family after Nomqondiso died. https://www.mckinleyirvin.com/family-law-blog/2012/october/32-shocking-divorce-statistics/, https://www.gottman.com/blog/10-rules-successful-second-marriage/, Living with a Spouse Who Has Aspergers Syndrome: the Cloud of Secrecy. In another study man's wife having been diagnosed with a mental health problem, infertility, a man has only daughters or having children mentally and physically sick or man's wife older than he is, and exchange marriage are common reasons were discussed in a previous study. 2006; 45(3): 311330. Second theme: outcomes of polygamy as jealousy, unhappiness, and loneliness due to injustice, by the spouse were explored as potential pitfalls of polygamy. Im in computer programming, which should tell you how much I love interacting with people, he says with a laugh. CNN . Mrs. Tanveer was 39 years old lady. That tends to bring with it even more debt and insecurities. All interviews were audio-taped, transcribed verbatim, and were then analyzed by interpretive phenomenological analysis. Yet we make as felicitous a stepfamily as you are likely to find. We have also learned of situations where a man is forced by his family to take a second wife because his parents disapprove of his first wife for any number of reasons (they didn't choose her, his mother no longer likes her, she's not the right nationality, ethnicity, skin tone, caste, race etc). But Thembi* (the second wife) shocked our husband and decided to stay in the main house with Thamsanqa. They each have their separate rooms, and their husband alternates time spent between them equally. Im raising my son to be a responsible man who will not look down on women, like my father does, she says. ASEAN Journal of Psychiatry (MyCite Report). Because her first husband always cursed him by saying a childless woman. Some children may not accept a new mother or father figure, so instilling values or upholding rules with them may prove difficult. Polygamy; Antecedents of Polygamy; Outcomes of Polygamy; Coping Strategies of Co-wives. Maybe it was because I didnt have anyone in mind when I approached her I wasnt cheating on my wife, Id never do that.. An analysis of 11 cases of polygamous women transcribed verbatim showed a cluster of themes as infertility or having only female children, love marriage of husband, family pressure, the relationships among co-wives, and their coping strategies to accept this relationship in their marital life. Evelyn*, 32, tells DRUM her mothers experience was awful. Resource-defense, scarcity of men, and countering a high pathogen load, and cultural determinists posit religion and gender discrimination as factors of polygamy in these countries [15]. If that doesnt help, she can then approach his elders and explain exactly what it is thats happening and how shed like them to help. Women experienced various degrees of emotional difficulties including jealousy, unhappiness, loneliness, and lack of intimacy with their spouses. So finding a man who respects women like uBaba is a blessing, The two women share the home duties between them, taking turns cooking and cleaning, and their six children help with the dishes and other household duties. I was so sad and heartbroken to the point of not speaking to him for three days! After calming down Lillian communicated her feelings and concerns to Thamsanqa, and he explained his point of view. READ MORE:After Criselda Dudumashe recently shared how her husband allegedly beat her up we thought we'd remind women how they can seek help. In the current study, co-wives reported several negative consequences of polygamy such as jealousy, lack of trust, unhappiness, loneliness, unequal financial division, and social privileges among the multiple wives those are consistent with previous studies conducted in UAE, Kuwait, Egypt, Jordan, the Gaza Strip, Arabs in Israel, Palestine, and Turkey which point out that the wives in polygamous marriages have reportedly more psychosocial, familial and economic problems compared to their counterparts from monogamous families [16-20]. She stated out of sight, out of mind, She preferred the living arrangement. 7 Ticking Time Bombs That Destroy Loving Relationships, The Single Best (and Hardest) Thing to Give Up, 3 Ways to Reclaim Your Hope and Happiness. Barber N. Explaining cross-national differences in polygyny intensity: Resource-defense, sex ratio, and infectious diseases. Crookston EM. I told her that if it was going to make her unhappy I would forget about the whole idea. Being a step-parent can be a very . Mrs. Kamal due to the age factor she was very distressed at the time of her husbands' 2nd marriage but with time she accepted this relationship and had a good relation with 2nd wife and with her children. She said "first wife of my husband always get more privilege than me." ASEAN Journal of Psychiatry peer review process verified at publons. Limited-Time Deal on Marriage Course. At that time her 3rd husband supported her emotionally and financially. So, you're happily married to the Muslim man of your dreams when, suddenly, he drops the p-bomb: polygamy. Azad Chaiwala says he first "came out" as polygamous when he was just 12 . Literature indicates that the structure of the polygamous women's families badly affected the psychological and social functioning of polygamous women and children [9-11]. As she stated, "out of sight, saying of mind.". The world is their oyster. Grab Now! Al-Sharfi M, Pfeffer K, Miller KA. If that doesnt work then they go to the husband and present their cases, and the husbands role is to restore peace. Children can complicate matters further as each mother might feel the maternal pull to protect her own offspring more than the children of the other wives. Few helped financially in return for child-rearing to the senior wives. Most women dreaming of settling down probably aren't imagining doing so with a man who is already married. To seek the coping strategies to accept the new relationship by co-wives. Initially, uBaba wanted me to stop working and look after the business as well but my calling is nursing, says a shy Thembi, 52, as she finally joins the conversation. There are many stereotypes associated with being a second wife. This prompted one Javed to petition the Supreme Court that since Muslim. One of the disadvantages of being a second wife is that for some reason, 2. The co-wives shared their several experiences and reasons why they allowed their husbands for 2nd or 3rd marriage. Family Process. It is an option. She said being Muslim I should follow and admit the true teachings of Islam." PostedNovember 5, 2012 While Pakistan being an Islamic state where religion allows polygamy, the more typical reasons have been observed in the current study by multiple co-wives such as infertility, a woman being a mother only by female children, love marriage, or family pressure with the reference of religious doctrine. She told she was also present during the delivery. Mrs. Mustafa though convinced her husband of second marriage but she said I was very much distressed and lonely after the 2nd marriage of my husband. Many people think bigamy and polygamy mean the same thing . Emerging broken, bruised and bleeding from a previous fall when the parachute didn't quite open, he is. Being a parent is hard enough; in reality, being a stepparent is out of this world hard. Social Change. She told, "I used to cry in isolation". After her husbands second marriage she said, I moved to a separate household, to me, it works best because I dont have to see her (co-wife) come into the house to visit my husband. Thus, two things relating to marriage have affected the overall percentage of the population who find polygamy acceptable: more unmarried people in the population, and the fact that these. It stayed almost one year that we hide our relation to his first his wife, because he told me, that he want to inform his wife, when he will be in front of her, since that she was in her home country and it . Journal of Experimental Child Psychology. I knew my family wouldnt approve of our marriage, but I was weak. Reviewed by Lybi Ma. Challenges of Polygamy Partiality of husbands: this is where. When your friends talk about Christmas and having the whole family there togetheryoure over there thinking, The ex has the kids for Christmas Bummer. She was married to Mr. Imam due to family pressure when he had already a wife with 2 children. She also explained, "I never made differences among children". Current Psychology. Hence, before you embark on your marital journey, you must understand the second marriage problems and how to handle them. Though she faced a lot of criticism from the first wife. She was divorced from her second husband because of infertility and the first time her husband died of an illness. Between birth and death: Female infanticide in nineteenth-century China. The policymakers and law enforcement agencies should pass laws for the welfare of polygamous women. They also threatened her with divorce. A typical statistic out there now says that 50 percent of first marriages end in divorce, and. Old Medication, New Use: Can Prazosin Curb Drinking? The second wife shouldn't marry unless he promises to tell the first wife. Depending on the source, divorce rates are pretty scary. He was a handsome 25-year-old who worked as a miner, and when he asked her gogo if he could marry Lillian, Nomqondiso agreed. Following subthemes were included in these main theme categories. Mrs. Ahmad being 2nd wife told that after second marriage "I and my co-wife did not get along; our children also did not get along, and there was constant bickering between us. She stated I prefer not to attend the same social function or activity with my rival (co-wife). This can lead to a much-known phenomenon known as the second wife syndrome. Here are some signs that you have allowed the second wife syndrome to fester in your home: Being a second wife to a married man can be overwhelming, and if you are not cautious enough, you might find yourself stuck in a loop of insecurities. She stated, When I allowed my husband to marry a second wife, then God blessed me to have a child (translated from Urdu to English). Mrs. Gulzar was another first/senior wife having three daughters. 2005; 44(1): 81-98. The statistics are stacked against you, Depending on the source, divorce rates are pretty scary. He dearly loved his wife, Mary Ann Angell. Problematic: Polygamy can be problematic from a legal and religious way. Evelyn shrugs and says women should always know their rights and not be afraid to fight for them. "This evening I am with my wife a lone by my fire side for the first time for years," Young wrote in his diary in January 1842. Mrs. Arslan did not avail of divorce and said it was her fate to share her husband with her co-wife for the future of her children. One female Mrs. Abdullah was feeding a new born baby she was 3rd wife of her husband. She said," My husband helped me to survive emotionally and financially". Published: Gabe and I interact regularly with our exes and their new spouses, former in-laws, and current in-laws. I couldn't sleep properly, I was crying.'. Naturally, I instantly felt like I wasnt woman enough for him, Lillian says. But surprisingly enough, she understood and agreed to it. Lower incentive to cheat in a marriage. In many societies the concept of polygamy is frowned upon because it goes against the Western idea of loving, honouring and obeying one person until death do you part. Your wedding is your wedding and you can do whatever you want. But that's not the case in Canada, says Imam Hamid Slimi of the Sayeda Khadija . 5. Yet there are many other cultures that support a mans choice to take more than one wife and believe it is something that can benefit the women as well. At the very least, the term "second wife" has a very negative connotation. Its like when you are a kid, and you have had the same best friend since you were a baby; then, suddenly, in high school, you have a new best friend. The purpose of this study is to investigate married womens experiences in polygamous marriages and their ways of coping to accept this relationship. Go figure. polyandry, marriage of a woman to two or more men at the same time; the term derives from the Greek polys, "many," and anr, andros, "man." When the husbands in a polyandrous marriage are brothers or are said to be brothers, the institution is called adelphic, or fraternal, polyandry. International Journal of Social Psychiatry. In rare cases, men have carried on double lives, marrying two women and supporting two families, with neither wife knowing about the other. She does not have an apartment . A typical statistic out there now says that 50 percent of first marriages end in divorce, and 60 percent of second marriages end in divorce. 2.Explain the nature of your relationships with co-wives. Polygamy | Becoming A Second Wife | Accepting Other Wives 13,077 views May 15, 2020 154 Dislike Share Diaspora Ukhti 3.66K subscribers This is a survey only! She provides inspiration, support, and empowerment in the form of motivational articles and essays. According to Ali Kurbanov, a 27-year-old practicing Muslim who is also looking for a second wife, it is difficult for a woman to agree to her husband's second marriage, however, if a woman. She said "After it, my husband was not trustworthy for me anymore. Can expand your gene pool. A qualitative methodology was adopted to explore the experiences of polygamous women. Mrs. Arslan told that she was shocked when she came to know about her husband's affair. Outcomes of polygamous marriages were a second theme generated by evaluating the relationships of co-wives. In part, this is due to the fact that there is still a contingent for which a marriage without children is only slightly more honorable than a series of one-night stands. The study findings may be inconsistent with the previous one except for the religious factor due to cultural differences. Current findings are in line in terms of infertile women who accepted co-wives rather than divorce but those having children never bother to admit or respect co-wives as one of female told she is living in a separate home. Eva wasn't happy, but her husband went ahead and traditionally married the two women without her consent. I knew society is very cruel and it would be very tough for me to bring up them without father." Can Humans Detect Text by AI Chatbot GPT? While a second marriage can be successful, its still a relationship composed of two imperfect people. Polygamy has become very common in numerous cultures particularly in Islamic society. She said, in the beginning, I was not happy but with time and being realistic I have admitted and have divided the household chores. As Mrs. Amir told the researcher, in the beginning, she got more privilege than the first but as time was passed and she did not conceive there was a time when she was completely ignored by in-laws and later from her husband. Three themes emerged from the study based on findings. You feel the need to establish more control over the decisions of your partner. No one does; no little girl longs to grow up and walk down the aisle to the strains of "Here Comes the Second Bride, All Dressed in an Ivory Suit." He might marry a second wife before his divorce is complete, for example. Practicing polygamy as a legal permanent resident can lead to deportation, as can a criminal conviction for bigamy. Finding the right path for their family also provides an opportunity for bonding. But the current qualitative study is an attempt to fill the gaps that are left unexposed by survey-based or quantitative research and particularly to explore the positive consequences of polygamy and coping strategies which the polygamous women used to deal with co-wives relationships other than causes and disadvantages of co-wives. During my final two years in my first marriage, I was constantly telling my friends how I wanted to make my relationship work. ASEAN Journal of Psychiatry ISSN: 2231-7805 (In Print)E-ISSN Journal of Moral Philosophy. Community awareness of the effects of polygamy on women through media campaigns is a beginning step. We may also learn that if we dont want to get hurt again, to put up a wall, or other such adjustments. The two new wives bullied my mother and called her names. I don't care about the feelings of his first wife, his first . Being a second wife and a stepmother is rather like learning to perfect a set of aerial maneuvers. Though later on, she had a good relation with 2nd wife. The participants expressed the usage of different coping Strategies in polygamous marriage as religion, fate, compromise, and sisterly bond with co-wives. She said, "I used to take care of my child and co-wife's as well". Being a parent is hard enough; in reality. You know, its so sad because the new wives are also being treated horribly by my father but theyre too proud to talk to my mother because of the way they mistreated her.. It can be a challenge if wounds from old relationships arent quite healed. She was blended with her husband by love marriage. But in Pakistan and Iran, only consent is required from the first wife and need to show it in the court as proof for the second wife. Then I learned that marriages arent like cars, independent of the people in them, to be fixed according to an owner's manual. She told that She was like a witch, spoiled my whole family. She told her a tragic story. Constitutionally, polygamy raises important issues under the free exercise clause of the First Amendment. But then came Thamsanqas shattering statement. They must be educated through different seminars and programs to cope with the stress and manage other consequences of polygamy. Sharing household chores: Mrs. Tanveer with time accepted her co-wife and living in the same home. An in-depth interview technique was used with probing questions to get the perception from polygamous women about their life experiences, reasons behind polygamous marriage, and what strategies were used by co-wives to deal with such relationships. Judges can impose penalties for personal behaviours that are forbidden under Islam: sex outside marriage, gambling or drinking. Not many people like a second wife. Even extended family like grandparents, aunts, and uncles, etc., may not ever see you as an actual parent of the other persons biological child. Christmas and having the whole family there together. She told when her husband introduced her to the other co-wives, in the beginning, they both cursed me but later they made a compromise and accepted her. Her relationship with her co-wife was perceived to be sisterly. The study was conducted in 2017 with approval from the institution and polygamous women. With over 100k combined users in countries around the world (including 2,000 active users in Canada), Chaiwala's latest move is to launch a Google Play app for SecondWife.com, to bring polygamy . She had a male child during the interview. A lady was working in front of her husbands' clinic and usually visited the clinic. Mrs. Arslan was the first wife of her husband. Mrs. Kamal also has a good relationship with her co-wife. Bigamy occurs when one man illegally marries more than one woman. A Muslim convert says that being a second wife provides her. His first marriage counted. The study describes the different experiences, reasons behind polygamy, its outcomes, and the coping strategies used by first, second, and third wives. READ MORE:Customary law know your rights. Miss Nadia was the second wife of Mr. Imam. However later on she has also accepted co-wife because of infertility and destiny. Second marriages are like the mature version of you getting married again. Their average marriage duration was 11 years and living in the same house or compound. "We injoi it and feele to prase the Lord." Azad Chaiwala, CEO and founder of the Second Wife and Polygamy marriage websites. And more children too they are all so respectful and loving, a clear example of the home theyre being brought up in.. Unfortunately, those stereotypes are not accurate. Thobejane TD, Flora T. An exploration of polygamous marriages: A worldview. Mrs. Kamal reported "in the beginning when I thought about the second wife, I engaged myself in different activities because it always hurt me." Could be many factors, but since a person in the marriage has already gone through a divorce, the option seems available and not as scary. Second marriages are like that. 2014; 5(27): 1058-1058. The study was an attempt to gain perspective about the causes of polygamy, its consequences, and the most important womens ways of coping strategies in polygamous marriages. Because polygamy is typically condoned only in specific regions, it may be difficult to meet other willing participants to enter a polygamous union. If the wives have any conflict they first need to try to resolve it among themselves, says historian and cultural expert Professor Jabulani Maphalala. In the modern-day polygamy is not as much disputed as in the past. Different coping strategies have been explored to deal with the co-wives relationship by women to share their mutual husbands. It can be challenging when you expect those normally happen times of the year to be a certain way, but then they arent so much. Mediterranean Journal of Social Sciences. After my brother died in a car accident my father started acting strange. The design was flexible and consent was taken for an in-depth interview. Obviously, it doesnt mean your marriage will end, just that it is more likely to than the first. However, on appeal the. 'I've been a second wife for a year and a half. They know what they want and work hard they dont just take the mans words as the Bible.. Minor clashes are part of life to her. In Pakistani culture, infertility can be one of the reasons but exploring other factors like love marriage and family pressure, and religious reference are also common factors. Participant Mrs. Abdullah stated that in her pain after her 1st husband's death and later divorce from her previous husband due to barrenness when she met her third husband who dealt her effectively with her emotional pain. Results: Three themes emerged from the study based on findings. Miss Nadia was the 2nd wife of Mr. Imam. According to Mrs. Abdullah (3rd wife: Amina), she and other wives are living in the same home and got along well. But by then, no one can picture you without that first friend. Gabe and I won't have that. Mrs. Amir had no baby so she said, "It's Allah's plan for me and I have accepted my fate". Source: Sunan Sad ibn Manr 633, Grade: Sahih. Judge Nenney says every week she hears cases where a couple is charged for having sex outside marriage. The findings of the study indicate that polygamy is a painful and bitter pill for most women to swallow. She told that My in-laws had not good relationships with the first wife of my husband. 2020; 24: 339351. Relationships are hard, and if things go wrong, we get hurt. She believed that by allowing for a co-wife, she too would be blessed to have a child. One of the misconceptions about being someone's second wife is that you'll have no choice but to have a low-key courthouse wedding with minimal fanfare, and that the ghosts of weddings past will linger. Mrs. Gulzar said "I had no option other than to make a compromise and accept co-wife because of my female kids. 2010;57(1): 121-127. Method: Exploratory qualitative method was used. The advantages of polygamy were included sharing in-house responsibilities and child-rearing. Second marriages also have a much larger cast of characters than any first marriage. This can lead to a much-known phenomenon known as the second wife syndrome.. To evaluate the outcomes of the relationship between co-wives. She met Mr. Kamran 6 years back and married her after falling in love. Your spouse may still have lingering feelings associated with the former marriage, including guilt, shame, regret, anger, sadness, or many others. Accepting polygamy does not make. 2008; 42(2), 103-117. Incidentally, polygamy is illegal for non-Muslims according to Federal law but is allowed for Muslim men under Sharia Law. There are seriously complicated stunts involved-- trapeze artists have less difficulty in learning when to disappear and resurface at exactly the right moments than your average second wife. Her ex-husband died. Lateron, both married. "I'm in a traditionalist polygamist relationship. So, I was second selection of my in-laws." Ethnology. But the . Many young women might regard being a second wife better than remaining single. Third theme: The coping strategies used by polygamous women have included faith in religion, fate role, and compromise with the co-wives. Marriage Counseling vs. Mrs. Abdullah also told though they have minor disputes among co-wives still they help each other. After those three days I regretted everything and I blamed myself for her heartache, he says. Decisions made by two people in first families are often made or influenced by four or more adults in stepfamilies. You didnt grow up thinking; I cant wait until I meet a divorced man! These are jealousy, poor marital satisfaction, unhealthy competition, lack of trust, and many other mental health problems [12]. First theme: reasons of polygamy as findings indicated that majority of females allowed their husbands for co-wives due to infertility or having only female children, husbands love marriage, and in-laws family pressure because they wanted to secure their marriage instead of divorce. A nurse brought me this far she took me into her arms and her home and decided she would be my mother. Polygamy is a practice in which a person is married to more than one person at the same time, most commonly a man to several wives. Avoiding adultery According to WorldCat, 99 percent of polygamous married men use this reason as justification for their undertakings. Seven women were single before marriage, while two were divorced and two were widowed. Polygamy as sort of status symbol. Growing up my mother was abused by my father, Thembi says as she wipes away a tear. She said that time was very painful for me and my little daughters. The study was conducted in 2017 with approval from the institution and polygamous women. As when co-wives share their domestic chores, and other responsibilities of the family they become less possessive with time about their partners. The reverse is probably true, too: When women are taken from the marriage market, men suffer. Prevalence of mental health problems in women in polygamous versus monogamous marriages: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Shed dropped out of school to help her sick grandmother, Nomqondiso, when Thamsanqa asked her for her hand in marriage. No, it is illegal.Under Section 494 of the Indian Penal Code, if a person marries a second time, without a divorce, while their spouse is alive, the marriage is considered bigamy, which is a punishable offense. 2231-7791 Copyright 2023, Department of psychiatry, Institute of Applied Psychology University of Punjab, Lahore, Pakistan. 1st wife of Mrs. Imam and 2nd wife Miss Nadia have attended some important ceremonies together but they did not get along (Table 2). Method: Exploratory qualitative method was used. So, she accepted this relationship. The sharia, Islamic family laws, and international human rights law: Examining the theory and practice of polygamy and talaq. Disadvantages (Demerits) Of Polygamous Marriage 1. In a home with more than one wife, what happens when problems arise? 2009; 103(1): 17-29. Why is it higher the second time around? She has been married for 40 years. A few years ago, her mother was killed in a car accident. Journalism strengthens democracy. Kadyrov's second wife also has a place to stay in Moscow, with three apartments registered in her name. She also never tried to snatch her husband from the previous co-wives as she said in her religion the Holy Book says A man can marry women of his choice two or three or four, but there must be justice and equality otherwise only one is enough". 2016; 22(3): 272-286. A man and his second wife in Pakistan tell of their daily fear of being killed by assassins at the behest of their families. And another wife Mrs. Kamal reported," in the beginning when I thought about the second wife I engaged myself in different activities because it always hurts me." Later on, she came to know her husband has married her with the support of his family for a male child. Tandler N, Petersen LE. It's like when you are a kid, and you have had the same best friend since you were a baby; then, suddenly, in high school, you have a new best friend. He didn't want to leave his first wife because they had already had 4 children together. The effects of polygamy on children and adolescents: A systematic review. Your spouse has lost their first wife either to divorce or death, both of which bring immense, albeit very different, pain and coping mechanisms. mortality is outrageously high and t Opponents of decriminalization say the current law should not be changed because polygamy is inherently dangerous and harmful to women and children, particularly young girls, some of whom have. He killed her when I was nine years old and he was arrested. All women were Muslims. Love and (Polygamous) Marriage? He proposed for marriage to me as a second wife.
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